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Ride your bicycle for an hour every day.
Run around the block for an hour every day. You'll probably burn fewer calories this way, and it'll suck a lot more, but it works if you don't have a bicycle, I guess.
You could do yoga or calisthenics, but it would probably take like, three or four hours to burn the same amount and, let's be honest, it is soooo boring.
You could join the military. Boot camp has helped a couple people lose weight, probably?
You could join crossfit. After all your friends abandon you, you'll be so depressed that you don't want to eat anymore.
Stop eating, you fat cow.
No, you don't have to have ice cream, or chocolate, or butter cookies.
Fine. Have you tried portion control?
No, you wake up in the middle of the night and binge. I know. It happens. Cut it out. Have some self control.
Eat more vegetables.
Like, a lot more. They're full of water and not calories. Unlike bread. Don't eat that.
You remember what a carrot looks like, right? It looks kinda like a cigarette, but it's thicker, and it's orange. You eat it. Don't smoke it, and DON'T DIP IT IN RANCH!
Okay, here's a diet that should work for everybody:
Drink one black, unsweetened coffee in the morning
Don't eat anything all day
Drink 12 Coors Lights between 6 and 10 p.m.
There ya go. A simple 1200 kcal diet that will keep you losing weight and happy
between the hours of 6 and 10 p.m.
Join a gym. And then actually go there, you know? Work out? Take the classes and shit?
For our more affluent readers, you could hire a personal trainer.
Our even MORE affluent readers could hire a professional food slapper, who will stand by your side 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, to slap unapproved foods from your hands whenever you try to bring them to your lips. However! Be warned, whatever weight you lose will be quickly regained once you fire your food slapper. You'll need to keep them on the payroll interminably. Additionally, we here at 31 Ways are adept at both cigarette and food slapping. Please contact us for all of your cigarette and food slapping needs.
You may be wondering, how can one food slapper stay awake indefinitely to slap food? The answer to that question, my affluent friends, is methamphetamine.
As it turns out, food slappers are also perilously thin. Because they use methamphetamine, habitually. And it's so easy to acquire!
Do you think the Feds are reading this?... We would never advocate the use of methamphetamine, a terrible awful drug that steals lives and surely causes inordinate amounts of property damage. Methamphetamine is a catastrophic substance, and though it may be used by food slappers far and wide, it is not used or endorsed by us. We don't even know where to get it, not that we would try or anything.
I heard that anorexic people are thin.
I also heard about this cool thing, it's like anorexia, but where you get to eat? They eat a bunch, and then puke a bunch, like the Romans. It's called Bulimia. Neat trick, right? How many times do you think you could binge and purge in a row?
Twenty Two?
Pretty sure the only drawback would be your teeth rotting out, but it's not all bad. There's dentures. Plus, if you can't chew, then you'll be on a liquid diet from there on out. Weight loss, anybody?
Take a lot of Ally pills. They're supposed to stop digestion of fats, right?
Oh shit I just remembered that the average American holds 20 lbs. of toxins in their guts! THAT'S why you can't lose weight! Because it's NOT FAT! Definitely order a boat load of DIOXIN, or maybe it was DETOXIN, ehh whatever, eat it up and LOSE THAT WEIGHT!
I bet if you ate methamphetamine and dioxin, you'd lose weight so fast. Like, deadly fast. … Of course, that's just conjecture, haha, Feds, haha, don't ever try that!
Quit your job, move to Hawaii, and train for the Iron Man Decathlon.
Quit your job, move to Mexico, and start drinking the water.
Sell all your worldly possessions, donate the money to charity, and join a monastary in the Himalayas.
Attain Nirvana.
Start smoking again.
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