Top 31 Creative Ways to Explain Your Relapse

Tell them you did everything in the books and forgot.

A lit cigarette fell into my mouth.

I was holding it for my smoker friend. Can you believe how gross he is?!

I was holding this needle full of insulin for a very sick friend, which kind of looks like a cigarette but isn’t. So paranoid, gawd.

Tell them it is sage, and this will keep the ghosties away.

I’m doing this for you, baby.

Practice DARPA (DENY, ATTACK, RETALIATE, PARAPHRASE, ATTACK a bit more).

I’m just trying to make all the other smokers in the room feel comfortable!!!!

I didn’t inhale...

It’s weed.

I just became a Cigarette Smoker's Anonymous sponsor right now, and I am holding it to show the ugly truth of how dirty it looks, like Cruella DeVille. Negative examples are sometimes more impactful even than positive ones.

I just got a sponsorship from Philip Morris right now, to hold this Philip Morris cigarette in particular, and wear this Marlboro man T-shirt, and keep this Marlboro pack rolled up in my sleeve. Just like the people with Red Bull ads all over their cars. It's just business. They don’t actually drink the Red Bull.

This isn’t a cigarette, it’s a gun. I just got my conceal carry license. They’re making guns smaller and smaller these days. I DO have to make an effort to “conceal” okay, that’s why this gun looks so much like a cigarette.

My dog didn’t recognize me anymore, smelling like not cigarettes and all. So I am just holding this...for my dog, of course.

Point up to the sky and exclaim, "WHATS THAT!?” and when they look, run away.

Actually, the cigarette imitations are getting really convincing these days. It’s not real. It’s a vape bro.

It’s just candy, like the ones we used to get from the ice cream truck.

Turns out my doctor recommended these for my anxiety. Doctor’s orders!

If they catch you, pretend to do a seance for their dead grandmother. Then tell them their grandmother is watching them behind the bush over there, and run away.

Only smoke in the dark. That way no one can see you and there’s no explaining to do!

Smoke under your blankets in your bed. And if someone says it stinks under there, say you had some cow feed for a new diet and are farting real bad.

Twenty-Two... I didn’t smoke that many cigarettes today, No Way. I quit, and I didn’t relapse!

My resting heart rate and blood pressure were way too low, I was getting dizzy. The only cure, tobaccer.

Say no more.

Put your finger on their lips, and whisper in their ear, "Shhhhhh........ut the fuck up."

I was just in the middle of teaching this grade-school class, and I realized I totally lost my, um, what do they call that, laser pointy stick thing?? Anyway, thought I could use this cigarette I confiscated, obviously, from a student, okay, to point at the board. That makes sense.

I was picking up litter for the good of humanity, and a lightning bolt came down and lit this cigarette right in my hand! I was going to throw it out, but I didn’t want to litter or start a trash fire, For The Good of Humanity! You’re welcome.

Tell them they are the problem for your relapse. Ex: "Oh my Gah, stop harassing me. You’re stressing me out so much, it's making me want a cigarette!"

This was Your cigarette. I literally just took it from you, to stop YOU from smoking. How can you not remember that? It was seconds ago. My god, your mental health is actually worse than I thought. I’m calling your therapist. You must be suffering from nicotine induced dementia.

Are you accusing me of relapsing? I’m not smoking. This is a sparkler! For America! What are you some kind of COMMIE!?

I'm actually doing a photoshoot right now, and it requires ménage and brioche and you are BLOCKING MY LIGHT! Leave now peasant.