Top 31 Ways to Avoid Annoying Family Members

1. Lock yourself in your room.
2. Write Lists.
3. Masturbate in your room when you're done writing lists.
4. Or in the living room. Just do it. They'll leave. I promise.
5. Lock them out of the house. You can even go the extra mile and change the locks to make sure they can't come back in!
6. Get a hotel room.
7. Organize your finances.
8. Pretend you're violently ill and extremely contagious.
9. Read a deeply engrossing novel.
10. Play esoteric video games.
11. Craft voodoo dolls with an eerie resemblance to your family, then pin them to a cork board.
12. “Forget” holidays and make better plans.
13. “Forget” birthdays and make better plans.
14. Casually insult them at every interaction. Soon enough, there will be fewer and fewer.
15. Consistently have 'already eaten.'
16. Become a vegan, and then talk about it ad nauseam.
17. Join crossfit, and then talk about it ad nauseam.
18. You know, you could just pick any one topic and fucking go for it. It should work. Firetrucks, unicorns, Frazier, the perfection of circles. Nobody will want to be near you.
19. Enroll in an intensive job training program.
20. Get a job.
21. Date Mary Jane.
22. Twenty Two times in a row.
23. Drive around town all day looking for more.
24. Get in a car accident.
25. Get a DUI.
26. Get convicted of manslaughter.
27. Do you think the Feds are reading this?... I would never drive drunk or high or kill anybody with my car. That's downright awful. Shameful. Despicable. People who do that should go to prison, and get disowned by their parents.
28. Get disowned by your parents.
29. Clean litter off the highway.
30. Collect cans for booze money.
31. Go on a bender.

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