August 29th, 2025

August 29th, 2025

Dear Diary,

You'll never believe what I've been doing these past three years.  I have a baby daddy now, but no baby.  It's a long story involving this Russian oligarch who said he wanted to save me from my life of OnlyFans like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, and SIDS.  My lawyer says I'm only allowed to talk about the SIDS part, and not the drunken boating accident part.  Either way, it WAS sudden, so whatever. 

You know how I feel about boating, Diary.  So when I found out Dmitry didn't even have a yacht, I kind of flipped out.  I mean, at first I was just happy to be out of that gross fetid basement and unchained from that boring radiator.  I guess all the buildings were rubble, and the dogs were totally skinny and riddled with mange, so maybe he was just trying to keep me safe from nuclear radiation, idk I never did actually watch Pretty Woman. 

Anyway, my baby daddy is super cute, and at least six feet tall if I prop him up out of the wheelchair, and I heard somewhere that a thumbprint counts as "I Do" even if the guy can't really say the words anymore on account of say, a boating accident.  So Diary, I'm Engaged!  And we're boating back to California as we speak, or write, or whatever.  Of course I'd much rather be YACHTING, DMITRY! Who would nuke California?  No one, obviously, that's where we keep the internet.  Fingers crossed CA isn't a nuclear wasteland, Diary.  xoxo!